Where's Lisa Barlow? The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Premiere Mystery
The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City (RHOSLC) are back, and the drama is already sizzling! We're talking bizarre locations, potential legal woes, and a whole lot of shade. But before we dive into any of that, there's one pressing question on everyone's mind: Where is Lisa Barlow?!
The Lisa-Less Premiere
Forget the RV trip, the random strippers, and whatever Britani "OG of the SLC" Bateman is up to. It's hard to focus on anything until we know the deal with Lisa Barlow. It just doesn't feel right without her signature sass and fabulous style. This premiere episode was strange without her!
Four years on from the infamous Jen Shah arrest, the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City are still dealing with the fallout. Whitney Wild Rose hires strippers (because, why not?) before Angie K.'s RV sets off into the Utah wilderness. And what do the ladies do? Gossip, of course! Specifically, about the glaring absence of one of their own. It may be a new season, but the snowflakes are still stirring up drama.
Life moves on, and so does RHOSLC. We have to accept this Lisa-less premiere to truly appreciate the chaos ahead. As they say, suffering makes us stronger (or at least, that's what we're telling ourselves as we brace for more Bronwyn Newport confessionals!).
The Camping Trip...and the Whispers
So, the ladies leave their comfortable lives behind for a camping trip. But let’s be real, this isn't glamping. It's squatting over a bush while Britani films you. Charming, right?
Ironically, even though Lisa's not there, she's the topic of almost every conversation. The first mention comes from Britani, sporting a fur over her bikini (classic Mormon 2.0). “Where’s Lisa?" she asks, despite clearly knowing the answer.
Meredith chimes in, "Oh, Lisa's not coming." Which, Britani, *obviously* knew. That's her bestie, after all!
A few minutes later, a confused Heather asks the same question: "Where is Lisa? Where is she?" This leads to a quick flashback of Angie K.’s FaceTime with Lisa before the trip.
The "Work Thing" Excuse
Lisa has a “work thing!” It’s a big deal, okay? Apparently, she has a super full life, even though she keeps it under wraps. She'll be with big names at South by Southwest. She doesn’t want to name-drop, but, you know, Ben Affleck and Blake Lively might be in the vicinity.
Britani confirms Lisa has a "huge work thing," prompting Whitney Wild Rose to go on the offensive. Britani fires back, questioning why Whitney would dismiss a businesswoman when her own businesses are struggling. This, naturally, leads Whitney to accuse Britani of "s---ing d---" to make money. The price you pay for defending Lisa Barlow, apparently!
Panera Sandwiches and More Lisa Talk
Once they arrive at the "campsite," the ladies snack on sandwiches and, of course, talk about Lisa. It's practically a requirement.
Britani announces she brought camcorders along because she's the "video girl" of the group. If she records every moment, it's not because she's leaking anything to blogs or her boyfriend – it's to make memories! Yeah, right.
Angie adds that "it's weird that Lisa didn't join our trip.” Whitney uses this as an opportunity to bring up all the drama and lawsuits surrounding Lisa (all alleged, of course).
And then Bronwyn unleashes a tirade, hinting at why Lisa calls her a less-than-flattering name later in the season.
Lawsuits and Lies?
The gossip choir goes wild as Bronwyn accuses Lisa of living a life of smoke and mirrors. She claims to have seen at least five lawsuits, one even in The Salt Lake Tribune. Bronwyn trusts her local paper, unlike those Beverly Hills housewives.
"You've seen it! Everyone's seen it!" Bronwyn declares, while Heather plays dumb (according to Angie). This is Heather's brand – deny, deny, deny, a lesson learned from her Mormon days. Which might be why Jen Shah's ghost still haunts the narrative.
When Angie compares Lisa to Jen, it's as if she awakens Jen's spirit. But unlike Jen, Lisa doesn't have the same threatening power.
Of course, it all comes back to Bronwyn's lies, as Heather asks why she pretended to own a $4 million necklace. Bronwyn admits it was for attention.
Engaged, Un-Engaged, and Everything in Between
That’s the beauty of Salt Lake City. A fight never stays on one topic for too long. While the ladies might be ganging up on Lisa, everyone gets messy in the process. Bronwyn's marriage and legal history become subjects later in the season, so stay tuned.
Just when things get tense, Britani drops a bombshell: she and Jared got engaged...and then un-engaged! Britani should start a newsletter. She’s full of breaking news! Imagine getting that alert on a Tuesday: "BREAKING: I was engaged for a few hours!"
Britani is the straw that stirs the icy drinks in Salt Lake City. She brings levity and light. She’s the best person ever! Too bad the other housewives can’t stop attacking her.
Is she the second coming of Molly Sorensen, the Mormon demon girl? At this point, The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City is a murder mystery, so why not add a ghost girl?
Emboldened by spirits, Angie asks Heather: “Is it really nature or is it fun that we’re on a trip without Lisa and you can actually just be yourself?”
That’s a question Heather can’t escape, whether about Lisa or Jen. Who is the real Heather Gay? We might never know, but we’ll definitely pull on that thread.
The Britani Beatdown
For now, the women would rather attack Britani. Most of it is self-inflicted, of course. Whitney said Britani "S D!" Britani would never curse, so read between the lines. She’s a good Mormon, and classy, too.
Whitney might apologize for implying Britani is a sex worker, but she’s still mad about the diss on her business. Because, unlike Lisa, Whitney's business failed. Britani hit the nail on the head, it seems.
When Britani tries to hug Whitney, the Wild Rose stops her dead in her tracks. This leads to another crucifixion of Britani Bateman, as the "punching bag" misses every blow. How she stays in the ring is beyond us.
Maybe she’s the smartest one. Those camcorders made their way into the narrative, providing found footage. The women act like they're on the verge of death, even though a production crew is right there. It’s camp!
Looking Ahead
With that, RHOSLC heads into another season. Will the women rid themselves of their apparitions? Will they warm up to Britani? Will Whitney going back to blonde after this season force Bravo to give the girls another intro? The world may never know.
But one question has a clear answer: Will Lisa Barlow’s return immediately prove she’s the star of the show? Yes.
Craving more? Read more at The Daily Beast.
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